Hump Day… Wednesday came with changes… some slightly better than bad, more were worse. The Surgeon had told Suzanne that they were likely going to put a tracheotomy tube in to assist my breathing and monitor me as it was likely I was not coming back to my old self. (Spoiler… we all know that I defied his odds before) She argued with him vehemently, telling him that I was myself before the surgery on Monday and I was still in there. See, Suzanne had more inside information that the doctors needed to hear. I have severe reactions to medications. I have a list of allergies to meds that is a mile long. Believe it or not, I have actually been called a freak by a doctor in regards to the fact that I have so many drug reactions/allergies, HA! She conveyed that to them and pleaded for them to understand the magnitude of the problem. Finally it sunk in and the doctors agreed with Suzanne to try to ween me off the meds they had me sedated with and try something else. They agreed to try her way first, if that didn't work, they would proceed to their original plan. Problem was that the drugs were fat soluble and those take extra time to get out of the system. Of course!!!
Meanwhile, there is an MRI needed. Imaging of the brain and spine to judge first for stroke then for the severity of the damage to the spine. Sadly, it seems as though I was not in the mood to lie in the MRI machine. I refused to be still and would shake my head each time the machine would start and the awful and loud noise would fill the tube. At some point the the tech tried to still and calm me I lashed out at him and hit him. Thus they had to restrain me and were not able to run the test. My disposition changed from vacant to violent. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that I am not a violent person. I had to be tethered to the bed to stop me from pulling out "all those tubes and wires and careful nooks, and antiquated notions" (ha ha, my nod to Thomas Dolby), it was really just some tubes that I desperately wanted out of my throat and nose. But in the state I was in I was far from understanding that I needed to leave those in and let them help me get better. So Wednesday saw in me a change from sliding up into the corner of my bed and completely shutting out everything and everyone to violently fighting the restraints and hitting MRI techs. Suzanne and Jay were able to calm me briefly by placing their hands on my cheeks and saying my name but that was not enough.
Was it ever going to get better? Surely I didn't survive death, no, not near death, but actual death, to be left vapid and unable to live the life that God so graciously gave back to me. To never again get to be a mother to my sons, a sister, daughter, granddaughter, family member, a friend, mentor, coworker, baker, artist, taxi cab driver, or all around goofball (something I am really good at). Darlings, there is more, and there is always hope…
With Much Love,
Sonnie
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